Fears of a Fat Bride

~Riss

Most people talk about their upcoming wedding day with excitement. I was not one of those people. I mean, I was excited to marry the love of my life and I was excited to spend the day celebrating with my best friends. There was one huge dark cloud hanging over my head, though, and that was the pictures. As a size 24, plus size woman I was terrified that I would look like the world's fanciest sack of potatoes no matter how hard I tried. Don't get it twisted...I don't think I am ugly by any means, this isn't a "woe is me" post. I can take a selfie like nobody's business, but it usually feels like I've got nine chins and a fivehead when someone else takes the photo.

Pictured: Expectations

I absolutely loved the dress I wore on my wedding day. I'd love to take credit for picking it, but I can't. I wanted to be cheap and "more sensible" because I was convinced it wouldn't make a difference in the pictures, just another potato sack. Rob on the other hand thinks that I can wear anything and had the dream of me wearing what he called "a big beautiful princess dress." Since I had no real attachment to a style, I figured I would at least entertain his vision. I didn't have many options in Wilmington, NC. The samples in my size were usually very limited and many were a bit
dated. I went with friends to try things but felt a little embarrassed by my lack of options and overwhelmed by their opinions on how I should look. This didn't help my confidence in the matter. David's bridal had the most selection, but the quality of the dress would have called for numerous added costs including alterations, custom corsets or extra length orders. The potato fear was alive and well.

Pictured: Reality

I was alone in a nearby town when I found the dress. Rob was at a Silkies Hike in Jacksonville, N.C and I had time to kill. I stopped in Classics and began to rummage through dozens of beautiful and modern gowns (in my size!). The first one I picked up made my face light up. I had wanted to try this particular style since my search began but couldn't find one in my size.
My expectations were set low as I wiggled into the dress. There was no dressing room mirror so I had go out and stand in front of the large triple mirror. The second I stepped into the pedestal my heart started pounding. I had minimal makeup and messy hair but when I looked at that mirror I felt like a princess. I took pics and walked away that day, but it haunted me for weeks until I came back for it. Rob drove me there, demanding I buy a dress he had never seen just because he had seen the look on my face when I talked about it. Sometimes I need an extra push.

Two of my bridesmaid are very talented cosmologists. They were doing my hair and my makeup for the wedding. They know exactly what I like and are very, very capable of making my dream a reality. At this point, I'm still convinced I won't like my pictures.

With the wedding on a cruise ship, I am aware that once I get on the ship I have done all that I can do. It's a freeing feeling in many ways. No super-last-minute shopping or mind-changing allowed. I have what I have. It's locked in, final answer. But what if I forget something? What if I need something and it's not there?

This is my 'brave face'

I built my confidence up as much as possible the days before the wedding but that all comes crashing down the morning of the big day. After dreaming that my front teeth fell out in my sleep, I awake nervous as Harvey Weinstein at a Women's Rights rally. My girls are ready to go with breakfast and mimosas and we jump right in. Having multiple people primping me only for dozens more to take photos of me is my worst nightmare but I try to put on a brave face. Unfortunately my acting skills are lacking. The mimosas helped.

Minutes before I'm set to leave we complete the final touches on my look. I've never been overly emotional or romantized my wedding day but the first time I looked in the mirror completely put together, I saw myself the way Rob always describes me. I made my shaky way down to my entrance and as my grandfather takes my arm to walk my down the aisle, my fears just melt away. I'm not worried about how I look or what it will look like in photos.. I'm just overwhelmingly happy. I feel the love in the room, and I see the love in his eyes, and I walk toward him. This is the only thing that matters. I'm so happy after the ceremony that I pay very little attention to all the photos we pose for. The pre-mimosas have also fully kicked in so I'm feeling a lot looser. We have photos before and after the ceremony. The after ones are a bit more turnt than we had originally planned, but everything was fun. The weight of the wedding was lifted and I felt 50 pounds lighter.

A day later we received a notice that our photos are ready to view. I've told myself that, by this point, hating the photos will just save me a ton of money anyway. I tell myself, "I had a great time and I'll have that forever. That's good enough." I sit down, fully braced to see dozens of unflattering photos of my happy day. I was wrong. I was wrong in so many ways. I loved every photo more than the last. I didn't look perfect in them, but I looked beautiful. My smiles were real and you could feel our love coming through the image. I realized how foolish I had been for the hell I had put myself through worrying about looking "perfect."
I was happy and it showed. The only downside to the entire ordeal was how much it cost us to buy everything. Since that day, I've taken many more less than perfect photos. It helped in ways I never expected. Happiness is beautiful and it was a hard lesson to learn.