The Fair: Amusement Parks for People that are Bad at Math

~Riss

The N.C. State fair!
I have always wanted to go to a big fair. I love the bright lights and terrible food. Fair food has always teetered on the line between genius and insanity, and I gotta respect that. Should we fry everything? Definitely not, but goddammit we're gonna try! I'm also severely distracted by bright lights and I have a tendency to wander away towards whatever is shiniest. In theory, a fair should be amazing for me but I should really be on an adult version of a child leash because of the ADD-fat-kid that I am deep in my soul.
Since October was such a busy month for us, I was sure I'd have no time for the fair this year, but plans on a Saturday got cancelled and within 15 minutes I was on the fair's website checking out options. The N.C. State fair offers special deals if you buy your ride tickets in advance. Because of this, it was only $25 for unlimited ride wristbands. It sounded like too good of an opportunity to throw away, so I texted the troops and everyone ordered tickets. I was so pumped! I was finally going to the fair, the weather was nice, and my best friends had the same weekend off. It was a recipe for success!
Flash Foward....turns out I do not like big fairs. Don't get me wrong, we had a great time...but then again, if you put me at the DMV with the right people I'll have a good time. Let's take a second and go over how our adventure went downhill.

On Bacon-wrapped
wings of paraffin

We drove from Wilmington to Raleigh with no issue. Finally, we got 1.5 miles from the fairgrounds and we hit standstill traffic. It took about 20 minutes to inch the mile to the parking areas. Parking was a bit of a nightmare, but we finally found an open lot and $10 later it's go time. It's about a half mile walk to the entrance, where we have to buy our admission tickets because apparently admission is not included with our unlimited rides. There was very little in
the way of direction to figure out where things were, once inside. The smell of fair food got us quickly. I made a beeline for the turkey legs and grab one to split with Rob, while Eddie decided to go the adventurous route. He settled on a bacon wrapped grilled cheese. He loved it, but I definitely say it's a sign that we, as a society, are flying far too close to the sun.
The crowds started to get a little overwhelming, but as the day went on, it went from "a little crowded" to "black Friday in the late 90s". There were just too many people and lines were getting out of hand. The quality of the people in the crowd began to take a turn for the worst as well. Disturbingly uneducated arguments and vapes began to surround us.

It was dark by this point, and the teenagers had come out of the woodwork. While in line for the neato-spinning-super-fun-ride whatever, Edd and Madz visibly aged. Edd had time to use the restroom, which was a bit of a hike, and return before the line moved once. Rob and I were able to get food.... twice. This didn't even make a dent in their wait. Literally an hour later, they were at the part of the line that actually had a roped off queue: the home stretch. Edd, being a giant chicken, and now too old to ride the ride, had decided sit it out, even though he'd waited his whole life just to get this far. It was tragic. With Madz in charge, no less than a half-dozen tweens cut in line in front of her. Being Canadian, she was too forgiving. From start to finish, the ride lasted 1 hour, 36 minutes, and 15 seconds. 1:15 of that involved Madz strapped in a chair being spun in the air. You do the math.

This is the face of bravery

About halfway through Madz and Edd's Lord of the Rings length journey, I decided that I was determined to get in one final ride: the Ferris wheel. Rob was not even close to excited about this decision due to his crippling fear of heights, but, like a fool, he loves me so he didn't fight my enthusiasm. We waited for about 40 minutes, but as we drew closer to the ride my bravery started to waiver. I am also afraid of heights, but I had just spent the last 20 minutes talking a big game, so i refused to let Rob see me sweat. We got a text from our counterparts after they had finally gotten to the end of their wait and told them to run to meet us so we could all ride together. This was a mistake we would all (except for Edd) very shortly regret.
We loaded into the bucket, immediately realizing that we are all a big taller than the average rider. We were a bit cramped sharing our space, but the gravity of the situation didn't hit until we began to move. The Ferris wheel creaked and swung as we were lifted in the air, giving us much more of an adrenaline rush than I think the designers had originally intended. During the ride, we all recovered quickly, except for Rob, who was white-knuckled and pale-faced, clinging to the center pole for dear life. Edd laughed at Rob the whole time, while remaining as motionless as possible. Nobody was allowed to move, for fear the motion would pitch us all to our deaths, or so Rob thought. Eventually the ride ended, as most rides do, and Rob fled from the bucket leaving a puff of smoke behind him.
After we coaxed him from his hiding place, we decided it was best to leave our fair adventure on a high note and call it a night. I don't regret my time at the fair, but between entry fees, ride wristbands, expensive food and time spent not riding things due to the overcrowding, I think I'll stick to amusement parks from now on.